ARE YOU A MEATHEAD?
Take this simple quiz and find out. Simply check every answer that's true about you, and give yourself the number of points next to the question.

I OWN A SHIRT WITH THIS ON THE FRONT:
(1) _ "Ten Reasons A Beer Is Better Than A Woman"
(1) _ "Get A Job!" with one skeleton giving another a blowjob
(1) _ a bootleg shirt featuring cartoon characters doing something outlandishly out of character and/or saying something profane
(2) _ "One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!"
(2) _ "I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
(2) _ (in fuzzy letters) "MASTURBATION WILL TURN YOU BLIND"
(3) _ any college you did not actually attend
(3) _ any bar
(4) _ "NEW YORK FUCKING CITY!!!"


MY CAR
(1) _ is an IROC
(1) _ is a Prowler
(1) _ has a very very loud stereo system
(1) _ has a horn that plays "The Theme From the Godfather"
(2) _ is a silver Prowler
(2) _ has sweet racing stripes
(2) _ has a Bad Boy/Yosemite Sam sticker across the back window
(3) _ has the brightest high-beams the law will allow
(3) _ has a horn that plays "La Cucaracha"
(3) _ has flames across the side
(4) _ is worth more to me than the lives of my wife and family
(5) _ is currently parked in a Handicap spot. What?
(5) _ is nicknamed "The Pussy Machine"


MY HOUSE IS DECORATED WITH
(1) _ velvet, velvet, velvet!
(1) _ a street sign
(1) _ Precious Moments Figurines
(2) _ an "If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Please Be Neat and Wipe the Seat" bathroom poster (add a point if it isn't framed)
(2) _ a plaster matador statue
(3) _ a plaster matador lamp
(3) _ Christmas lights 365 days a year
(3) _ plastic-covered furniture
(4) _ more than two sports-related memorabilia
(5) _ plastic fruits/vegetables/plants


ON A NORMAL DAY, I WEAR
(1) _ one gold-plated chain
(2) _ a gold-plated chain, plus a crucifix
(3) _ two gold-plated chains with a big crucifix and a fake-diamond ring
(4) _ three or more gold-plated chains, more than one fake-diamond ring, and something brass that spells out my name
(5) _ enough jewelry that people think I cleaned out QVC


ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS, I WEAR
(1) _ a polyester suit
(2) _ my "formal" baseball cap
(3) _ the fancy gold-plated jewelry
(4) _ a tuxedo t-shirt
(5) _ a shirt.


THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW WAS
(1) _ that farting scene in Blazing Saddles
(1) _ This doll, it's a guy, and you squeeze this bulb and he pulls his pants down!
(1) _ "Truly Tasteless Jokes XXII" - that Blanche Knott, boy, she's still got it
(2) _ my "10 Ways a Beer Is Better Than A Woman" t-shirt
(2) _ "Married with Children," the first season
(2) _ Dice!
(3) _ this guy, he called up Larry King and started saying, "Baba Booey motherfucker" over and over
(3) _ The Three Stooges
(4) _ Gallagher
(5) _ the Special Olympics


I HAVE HAD
(1) _ a screaming match with my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband outside of a bar at 3 in the morning
(1) _ more than one DWI charge (add a point for every DWI charge)
(1) _ a repo man visit me
(2) _ a mullet (guys)
(2) _ high hair (women)
(3) _ the best days of my life on the high school football team/cheerleading squad
(3) _ trouble understanding why people "shush" me for talking loudly to my wife and kids during movies
(4) _ a mullet (women)
(4) _ high hair (guys)
(5) _ the best days of my life in my old fraternity/sorority
(5) _ sex with a prostitute
(5) _ a trip to a nationally syndicated talk show to tell my significant other that I am dumping them/cheating on them/gay
(5) _ date rape charges filed against me after a party (add 5 points for each additional charge)


HOW TO SCORE
Total your points on all the statements you have checked. Now go back and check the rest of the statements you were ashamed to admit to truthfully the first time around and give yourself double points for those. Now go back and check all the statements that were true, but you figured didn't count because you had them "ironically," and give yourself triple points. Add 100 points if you mentally added a "How to Have Sex" joke after the "HOW TO SCORE" heading.


POINTS
0 - 10 points - You are either a liar, a hippy, or a pretentious intellectual. Any way you slice it, you are probably not very popular.
10 - 40 points - You have an ordinary level of meatheadedness. Congratulations! You are an American!
41 - 60 points - Congratulations, Mr. President.
61 - 100 points You are a meathead extraordinaire. Shouldn't you be in a chat room, asking someone about their "AGE/SEX/LOCATION GOTTA PIC??!!!!"?
100 points + - Time to pack up your things and move out to Staten Island, kind of a Meathead Wildlife Preserve, where you will feel safe in a habitat among your own kind.
Liam McEneaney 1:55:45 AM

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